Sigh...

So here I am again. Since the last time I posted, I managed to gain back all of the weight I lost last summer. I don't know what it is. I keep falling into these patterns. I keep telling myself, "Starting Monday, I'm getting serious. I'm going back to the gym 4 times a week and I'm going to start counting calories again...blah blah blah." then I never do. It took me unpacking my summer clothes and finding out that they didn't fit. I finally face the music and stepped on the scale. Ouch. I am right back where I was over a year ago and lost everything that I worked so hard for. I went through a period of self-loathing and I still think I am. I started going back to the gym a couple of weeks ago and I was becoming more aware of what I was eating. I'm down 5 lbs- which is great, but it just feels like a drop in the bucket. I'm very self-motivated, which is both a good and a bad thing. When I want it, nothing can stop me. When I don't want it, there is nothing that one can do to convince me. I feel like I'm kind of in between worlds at the moment. Both comfortable and uncomfortable in my own skin, motivated and doing the damn thing, but also depressed about a giant setback. When will I learn? Why can't I become a gym addict instead of a cookie-dough addict? If my followers are still reading this, I'm sorry for the somber post. I know what I have to do and I'm doing it. It's just hard.